:: Lonely Understanding (Ballad of the Forgotten) :: October 2004

Cry out the anguish deep within hidden,
Allow happiness of they soul to be ridden,
Know not no more of the joys known once of thee -
All but a desolate and forever obsolete memory.
Stand tall with the past that torments,
Wishing for the one, the possible haven-sent,
Knowing forever that never could thee touch-
Oh, Goddess! The pain of knowing all but nothing much!
Victim of the apparatus' presence,
Drained of all but the last golden essence -
Harken the feel that drives the mind mad,
But allows all to be in pure glad.
Savour the toxicating air as it surrounds thee,
Binding thou's bleeding arms to thou's severed knees;
Watching through eyes that see no longer,
Amused by their pains and their inexplicable horror,
Yet knowing that in thine own mind
The unknown nightmares happily reside.
Nightmares of being torn,
Of being stripped of flesh to the bone.
But the worst of them all
Is the fear of being able to hold -
No, not the lack of, though that resides as well,
But the misery of being unable to foretell
'Tis the feeling that thy receives at the embrace,
Or the smile gently painted upon thy face-
The feeling I know I will never have,
For t'is not our destines to combine paths -
Or is it perhaps that we are one already combined?
Oh, I confess! I have let out a sad sigh!
No, the nightmare managed to un press
And reveal the sullen eye of my sadness-
Oh, Goddess, let me muse in my suffering.
Allow my heart to keep on hardening,
No more - No more do I wish to feel -
Please, allow my heart to heal-
Will I ever find a place where I belong,
Where I can freely sing my lonely song?
I watch as they embrace in surprise,
Causing me to fall in my own demise-
Sanctuary I thought I had before,
Now encrusted with poison ivy and forgotten lore.
Like them I cannot be, I watch and understand,
For I see and feel things they cannot ever comprehend.
I will watch them falter and wander,
But at least they will have each other.
And who do I have?
Merely a lonely, broken raft,
One that will no longer float,
For the dreams it carried no longer hopes-
I will watch them and muse in my pain,
Praying for the fire extinguished by rain -
What, though? What water follows through?
A mere mist, a fog floating above a desolate flower's mildew.
The abuse should be already painless,
Yet I still feel alone and helpless -
Watching at them, and knowing that I can never be
With him, or with me.
A wandering child, enveloped in darkness,
Path lost in the night so empty and starless -
Haven help this forsaken Phantom creature
Who merely looks for one place to have feature-
I will watch and grow in misery for the both lot,
Until my body finally lays to rot-
I was not afraid of holding, of sharing in your embrace -
I was afraid I could no longer resist letting go of your face
So I will watch and dream of that never coming day
When am allowed for myself my sins only to pay
I'll take your dears, your gentle smile -
It will keep me going more for a little while.
"Oh sweet Christabel, share with me your poem -
For am a puppet of this silent stage show, mimic grown -
Am but a poet whom his best play failed -
A dead boy whose life is now forgotten and derailed."
The song I alone can sing,
For am dead only to the most daring.
My song, to which I lay myself to let go,
Where perhaps I can finally find my home-
Will you remember me when I have finally left this place?
Will you remember the stolen innocence of my face?
Will there be a place for me here when I return?
Will you watch and wonder at the glowing moon?
No, for am nothing to you anymore -
I never was, and do not know why I though anything before.
I will wither away, enjoying my last fading rays
Before the Piper comes for my pay -
Merge now forever perhaps with the earth,
And pray that those of Narcissus' birth -
Do not look upon my wilted orchid!
For they themselves will deem me dirt.
And now, I close my swollen eyes,
And say to myself my final goodbyes.
I will think of you and watch you from my walk
For haven wants none who at life balk -
But 'tis a price am willing to pay
If at last am able without regret to say,
"Dear friend, remember not the life I was once,
But remember me as your Guide upon.
I won't be far away, much more close than past,
So until you yourself breathe your last,
May peace and love forever bind -
May you love me as I love you forever, my dear Child."